Say Yes To All Invitations

The practice
For a set period of time (for example, a month), practice saying yes to all invitations that come your way. (Unless of course an invitation is dangerous, seriously disruptive, or involves something that goes against your values.)

For example:
A. “Would you like to come hiking with us on Saturday?”
You think: But it might rain, I could get cold, I’d have to get up early….
You say: “Yes!”

B. “Can you help me move on Sunday?”
You think: Drat, I hate moving. I wanted to go to a matinee.
You say: “Yes!”

C. “I have a spare ticket to the opera. Would you like it?”
You think: I’ve never been to the opera, will there be easy parking, will I get bored?
You say: “Yes!”

The theory
Saying yes as a policy* gets you out of your rut fast. It expands your comfort zone and forces you to explore new things. In the process you can find that your life becomes richer, you meet new people, you discover new things you like (and some you don’t). It’s a great policy to implement any time you start feeling lonely, cut-off, bored, or in a routine that’s starting to make life feel like work.

(*Use your own judgment though. If you feel an invitation is dangerous, seriously disruptive, or involves something that goes against your values, then say no!)

The result
Here’s how it can work: Your colleague Jane asks if you can help her move house on Saturday. While helping her move, you meet her friends Sasha and Pete. Sasha invites you to a crochet circle at her house on Thursday. You, at a crochet circle? But you go anyway, and there you meet her elderly aunt, who has an in-law unit to rent in an area you like. You go to see it, and decide to rent it—wow, you found a new place. There’s a flyer in the mailbox too, for a new café opening that night. So you go, hoping to have fun and meet people in your new area, but the band is dreadful and the only person you talk to is the barrista. Too bad, you think. Ten days later Pete invites you to a barbeque at his place. You’re nervous to go because you don’t know anyone else who’s going, but you say yes anyway, and when you walk in, there’s the barrista, who introduces you to his friends…and so on.

For a film inspiration, watch “Yes Man”.

Pause for Praise

The practice
What do you do when you finish a task? Do you get started on to the next one straight away? Or do you pause for a second to tell yourself, "Great. I just did that. That's a good job well done."

This week, try the second strategy: Washed the dishes? Well done. Pause for a second and appreciate them looking clean. Finished the spreadsheet? Fabulous. Pause for a second, breathe and give yourself credit.

The theory
Workplaces have become more stressed as downsizing has squeezed workforces over the last few years. Many of us have to rush from one project to another, multi-tasking to get everything done. We receive little or no praise for our work. The result is chronic stress.

Pausing for a few seconds to appreciate your own work is not only a little rest, and a chance to assimilate the fact that something is finished, but it will gradually shift your focus from the endless list of things that haven't been done yet, to the fact that you're accomplishing things all the time. This builds a sense of mastery and satisfaction, rather than anxiety and stress.

The results
This experiment may sound like a waste of precious time, when you have a To-Do list as long as your arm. But it makes a huge difference to your sense of yourself and your motivation to cultivate a self-praise habit over the long term.

Make A 'Bucket List' of Fun 'Must Do's'

The practice
A 'bucket list' is a list of things you want to do before you die. Make one now, and then start taking steps to do the things on it. Don't forget the small things, and don't edit out the big ones by telling yourself they're impossible.

Some questions to help:
- What do you dream of doing?
- What are you jealous of other people for?
- What makes you happy?
- What do your happiest memories have in common, and how can you have more of those kinds of experiences?
- What would you like more (or less) of, in your life?

The theory
Firstly, it's all too easy in a busy life to put the fun things off till later--and then never get around to them. A list of your heart's desires can help you to make sure you're prioritising--or taking steps towards prioritising--stuff that you enjoy, rather than leaving the things that call to you to one side.

But there's a deeper side to this too. As Gregg Levov points out in his book 'CALLINGS: Finding and Following an Authentic Life', our true calling makes itself known to us via the things we long for. Only by following the small calls of our heart can we find our true selves.

The results
For the small print on how doing this can restore your soul and re-energize your life, read or watch 'Eat, Pray, Love'!

Movies for Mood

The practice
Be selective about what you watch this week. Try a fast on violent, disturbing, crime-centred TV and movies, and instead watch things that promote optimism and hope. Movies are a fast, effective way of changing your mood and shifting your perspective.
Here are a few suggestions:

Shifting out of loneliness and feelings of not fitting in:
The Station Agent
Bagdad Cafe
Ma Vie En Rose
Chocolat
Bend It Like Beckham

Shifting out of feelings of despair, injustice, stacked odds:
The Shoreshank Redemption
Erin Brokovitch
Jackie Brown
Rabbit-Proof Fence
Monsoon Wedding
Seabiscuit
La Misma Luna

Shifting out of feeling stuck in a rut in a boring or depressing life:
Shirley Valentine
The Full Monty
Eat, Pray, Love

The theory
Humans throughout time and across cultures have been thrilled by love stories, transfixed by scary ghost stories, or motivated by rousing tales of heroic achievement or battles against injustice. The Ancient Greeks knew the healing power of stories. Their theatre was a tool for emotional catharsis--people went to the theatre not to be entertained, but in order to be moved by powerful emotions. Movies are the modern equivalent, providing a powerful emotional experience that sweeps us up and moves us. They can reframe our experience and shift our perspective on our lives.

Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh stresses the importance of being mindful of what we take in, whether it's food, drugs, or media, because whatever goes into us affects us more profoundly than we may realise. If we want to be calm and happy, then we need to set ourselves up for that. He's referring to a phenomenon called priming--a psychological process described by Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Blink. It refers to the fact that whatever you're exposed to sets your neural networks up in a way that influences your subsequent behaviour. So, people who are asked to read a text full of rude words are more likely to interrupt an investigator than those primed with neutral words. People primed with polite words are much less likely to interrupt.

If you watch a story that fills you with feelings of hope, even temporarily, you're more likely to feel hopeful afterwards. Likewise, watch out for movies and stories that do the opposite.

Adjust Your Comparing Strategy

The practice
There's an old story about a man who had chronically low self-esteem. He was a good physicist, but felt stupid compared to his hero Einstein. He played tennis well, but he was a klutz next to John McEnroe. And he was pretty good on the piano, except he wanted to be Mozart.

He stayed depressed until one day he worked out that he was comparing himself to the wrong people. So he decided that from now on, for physics he'd compare himself to McEnroe, for tennis he'd measure himself against Mozart, and for music he'd feel pretty good about himself compared to Einstein. In a week his self-esteem had sky rocketed!

This week, instead of finding yourself wanting in comparison to people who are richer, smarter, fitter, or more Hollywood-style beautiful than you, try comparing yourself to people worse off.

The theory
Comparing ourselves to others seems to be innate to humans. We evolved in small bands with a pecking order, and we need to know where we stand in the hierarchy, so compare ourselves with others. But self-esteem plummets when we compare ourselves and find ourselves lacking, so we have to be mindful of our comparing strategies--and frankly, we have to make them more accurate, by basing them on more reasonable data!

In their book Evolutionary Psychology, Lance Workman and Will Reader point out that mass communication has made it easier than ever for us to "constantly compare ourselves with images of the most successful on earth". They go on to explain that if we are consistently bombarded with images of the rich, the beautiful and the talented, then in comparison our own abilities pale into insignificance"--and our self esteem plummets.

The results
Comparing ourselves with people who are worse off than us might cultivate a sense of achievement, or a feeling of gratitude--both of which are correlated with higher self-esteem, and happier mood.

Go For A Walk Among Trees

The practice
Go for a brisk walk, every day, for half an hour. Take your walk in nature, or in an area where you can see trees and other plants, such as a park or a pleasant area with gardens if you're in a city. It sounds banal, but it's better and faster than Prozec at making you feel happier--according to studies.

The theory
There are two parts to this. The exercise itself, and the natural setting.

The exercise:
A Harvard Medical School study conducted in 2005 showed that "walking fast for about 35 minutes a day five times a week, or 60 minutes a day three times a week, had a significant influence on mild to moderate depression symptoms".

No-one knows exactly why exercise makes people feel better, but one theory is that it stimulates production of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which has a direct effect on mood. It also stimulates production of endorphins, the feel-good chemicals. They switch in after about thirty minutes of mildly aerobic exercise--exercise that makes you breathe just a little faster.

It's not clear how briskly you have to walk--I'd say a slow walk is probably better than no walk at all, but the study did show that you need to be out for at least half an hour. "Walking fast for only 15 minutes a day five times a week or doing stretching exercises three times a week did not help as much."

The natural setting:
A lot of research is now coming out about the beneficial effects of nature. It calms us down.

"A small study by the University of Essex commissioned by UK mental health charity Mind compared the benefits of a 30-minute walk in a country park with a walk in an indoor shopping centre on a group of 20 people with depression. After the country walk, 71 per cent reported decreased levels of depression and said they felt less tense while 90 per cent reported increased self-esteem. In contrast, only 45 per cent experienced a decrease in depression after the shopping centre walk."

The result
Try it and leave your feedback.

Reset Your Radar For Friendly Smiles

The practice
Here's a free, easy and fun experiment for reducing stress, social anxiety and depression. It's a game on a website
called MindHabits.com.

To play the game, you look at pictures of people, and click on the ones who are smiling.
That's it!

Try the free version for ten minutes every day for a week and see if you feel happier.

The theory
The MindHabits website has lots of research documented on it, but here's the executive summary.

Research shows that many of us scan for danger in social situations: we automatically tend to focus on signs that might indicate rejection or criticism from other people, presumably so that we can defend ourselves against it. But this tendency reinforces our sensitivity to criticism and rejection, making us much more focused on the negative feedback we get, than on the positive. So that one grumpy person can ruin our day, even if everyone else is friendly.

The MindHabits software "teaches people to look for the smiling/approving person in a crowd of frowning faces. By doing this repeatedly and as quickly as possible, this trains an automatic response of looking for acceptance and ignoring rejection." This induces a fundamental change in orientation to other people, which in turn tends to make you happier.

The result
Studies quoted on the MindHabits website show that after using the software, people become less distracted by rejection, and less stressed at work and school. (When I was told about this software, I was told it reduced cortisol in subjects by 17%, which would indicate a large reduction in stress, but I haven't been able to find this figure on the site.)

Try it, and send your comments.